It has been a week since Britney Pride, where I went momentarily out-of-fucking-body, by the way, and I’m still wondering why even in the more “compromised” second half of Britney’s career, she’s still more electrifying than literally anyone I have listened to this year that isn’t Brockhampton or The 1975? WHERE ARE THE SUPERSTARS? SHOW ME THE SUPERSTARS! I don’t even have the energy to get into it any further than that – that is my demand, and I expect it to be met imminently. Usual drill, find the words below, the best cuts on the main playlist and I shall see you this time next week, by which point the Ariana Grande album special podcast will have been recorded. Oh yeah, that’s a thing that’s happening. Have a good weekend!
NINA NESBITT – ‘LOYAL TO ME’ ☑
Instinctively I like this song because it sounds a lot like ‘Case Of The Ex’ by Mýa crossed with ‘Holler’ by the Spice Girls – and that may well be the most complimentary I have ever been about anything ever – but! I have two issues. The first is that Rina Sawayama is doing this super 00s R&B/pop sound 50 milllion times better and never gets within sniffing distance of the upper range of NMF, never mind the top spot (“RT if you know why!”). The second is that Dua Lipa herself won’t be trying to recreate the ‘New Rules’ lyrical recipe to this degree, even with, I’m sure, every single person around her asking her for ten more songs like it. Politics aside, it is objectively a very solid, if extremely pastiche-y pop song, and I shall be listening to it again.
BUGZY MALONE – ‘RUN’ ft. RAG’N’BONE MAN
Have I heard this song before? There’s just… something… about certain male artists… that sound so fucking samey… I think I hate “blue-eyed soul” maybe? And those same tired piano chords, and the churchy vibe they always seem to veer into… A white man who used to be a van driver will sing this on X Factor this year, replacing Bugzy’s verses with something trite he wrote himself, before contorting his face and idk… thrashing on a guitar, straining the tendons in his neck to hoarsely growl out “SLUUUUUUUUUMS” and he will probably win.
YOU ME AT SIX – ‘I O U’
Am I time travelling in my sleep and hearing new music and then coming back to the present like “wow why do these songs sound so familiar?” or is everything just super fucking derivative nowadays? There are elements of this track that are begging me to recognise them and I just can’t pick out exactly what song they’re lifted from – this is genuinely one of the things in the world that drives me the most insane. I actually really like it, guitar-driven with an R&B slant, and a fairly catchy chorus, but I can’t ever listen to it again because I will be sectioned from trying to figure out what I’m reminded of when I hear it.
STEFFLON DON – ‘PRETTY GIRL’ ft. TIGGS DA AUTHOR
What a shame some of you absolute cunts prayed for rain, since this would have sounded positively dreamy as I skipped through London, bare-armed and glowing from all the melanin rising to the surface, filled with endorphins and getting a good dose of vitamin D. As it is, I think it’s gonna go down like a lead balloon as I tip toe round puddles trying to protect the creps, shivering in my hoodie and wishing you all dead. I feel as if Stefflon’s upward trajectory has stalled somewhat, plateaued, perhaps even nosedived a little, but if nothing else, a little dancehall can sometimes work absolute wonders for a somewhat established artist looking for a summer smash.
LSD – ‘THUNDERCLOUDS’
Oh. My. God. I’m gonna fucking scream! Another song that sounds like something else? That’s the third one this week! Once again I can’t put my finger on it exactly but I’ve heard that “you hate me now” melody before. What is it???? Anyway, I really liked the first release from this “supergroup” – it was unusual and interesting – but the subsequent releases have been… less so. Sia sounds amazing and I wouldn’t turn it off if I heard it on the radio – loljk I never listen to the radio – but I can’t forsee an occasion where I’m gonna be gagging to play this again.
DERMOT KENNEDY – ‘HEARTLESS’
I absolutely loathe it when Spotify plug these strictly superfan curiosities so high up the playlist, but this one is particularly egregious – how many male vocalists have you heard perform this exact Kanye West song in this exact same style over the past ten fucking years? There’s enough of them to start their own small island state, surely? Pointless!
FOLLY RAE – ‘THE ONE’
I think a couple weeks back Folly Rae released a song I liked on first impression and then have… skipped ever since, so this song which is making absolutely no impact on me whatsoever since I just broke off to scroll Instagram mid-sentence is probably not “the one” AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh my god, euthanise me!!!!!!!
WHY DON’T WE – ‘8 LETTERS’
This boyband has previously featured on a track with Logan Paul of filmed a dead fucking body fame, which I think is enough info to convey what we’re dealing with quality-wise. Genuinely, since One Direction, I thought we had advanced a little in terms of boyband tropes and what makes a good boyband song but listening to this by-numbers-ballad… apparently not. Pop music is cyclical AF and we’re in the trash heap era of people trying to make the next boyband happen while the playing field looks open, which is the psychological equivalent of trying to fuck a widow while she weeps over her husband’s open casket. Trust me when I say: while One Direction’s individual members still thrive, a new boyband will not prosper in the same way – it’s history, look it up! Anyway, ‘8 Letters’: H-A-T-E-T-H-I-S.
TODDLA T x MOSS KENA – ‘MISSED CONNECTION’
This is really boring, sorry. I thought I was enjoying it at first, I really like the beat, but the song of it all does absolutely nothing about anything, also the vocal is annoying, sorry!
RUTHANNE – ‘LIQUID’
RuthAnne wrote ‘Too Little, Too Late’ for JoJo, ‘Slow Hands’ for Niall Horan and ‘Work Bitch’ for Britney Spears and this isn’t as good as any of those songs, so that is that on that.