Y’all I am so damn tired, writing this morning, let me just use this space to get something off my chest: Alexandra Palace is a shitty fucking music venue. I don’t know why it has suddenly become the venue du jour over say, Hammersmith Apollo or even Wembley Arena, but it has and it needs to end now. The journey to Alexandra Palace is an absolute nightmare even when the trains are running to schedule – the stations aren’t signposted well, there are no announcements and they’re also like 3 carriages long so they’re absolutely fucking packed. Add delays and confusion to that and you end up with hundreds of music fans cramming platforms waiting to get on trains that only hold 20 people. Then, once you finally arrive at the correct station… there’s a 15 minute UP HILL walk to the venue itself, a shambles of organisation to get inside and just to add insult to injury, the concert hall is a gaping cavern devoid of any atmosphere with sound that I would describe as “adequate” at best. It’s like putting a show on in the fucking ExCel centre. Please, in 2018, if an artist announces a show at Ally Pally I beg we all just don’t go. In this world of terrible decisions made by people who don’t know their arse from their elbow, we need to start taking back control, starting with the complete and total rejection of convention rooms as concert spaces. BOYCOTT ALLY PALLY 2018 AND FOREVER. Anyways, HERE‘s the latest releases.
ED SHEERAN & BEYONCÉ – ‘PERFECT DUET’
I’m not enough of a Beyoncé fan to be turned on to this mawkish nonsense just by her presence, though admittedly she sounds beautiful on it. Straight people will gag for this, of course, because why dig deep to find nuanced sentiment when this can be the first dance for a million Live Laugh Love heterosexual couples across the land? The institution of marriage is the devil’s greatest trick. Honestly, it’s gonna be Christmas #1 regardless, I’m not even gonna bother wasting anymore time forming any sort of opinion on this.
THE FRATELLIS – ‘STAND UP TRAGEDY’
I honestly thought The Fratellis split up absolute yonks ago, but apparently they’ve been putting out music fairly consistently for over a decade? Truth be told I know one (1) song by The Fratellis and that is of course, the iconic ‘Chelsea Dagger’, the soundtrack to every 18th birthday party I ever went to, and incidentally, my answer to those “reveal your age with something you remember” tweets. Anyway, I listened to this out of curiosity and it’s fine. No ‘Chelsea Dagger’, but jaunty and nostalgic in a comforting way. I will never listen to this again, though.
G-EAZY & HALSEY – ‘HIM & I’
I was having a conversation this week about how there are no iconic couples anymore – do you really give a shit about Justin & Selena? or Zayn & Gigi? or even Taylor Swift and literally anyone? Anyway, G-Eazy and Halsey are not an iconic couple either, but they give it a good go on this track which would make an infinitely better first dance than the ‘Perfect Duet’. The idea of this Twilight generation attempt at dark intensity cutting through the warm conviviality of any wedding is a much more exciting prospect than the John Lewis ad alternative. Another song I won’t ever listen to again, but I didn’t hate it.
JOE HERTZ – ‘WHY WON’T YOU CALL’ ft. TOM ASPAUL ☑️
Soft, gentle, sad songs have really been my jam this year (see also: The Aces – ‘Baby Who’, MUNA – ‘Winterbreak’ and Nick Jonas – ‘Find You’) and this Tom Aspaul feature ticks all the right boxes. It’s synth-y but with nice little guitar bits, the lyrics are wistful, the vocals smooth and calming. This is a Nice Song where nice actually means nice and not as a par.
JUICY J & CARDI B – ‘KAMASUTRA’ ☑️
Cardi B was excellent at the Spotify hosted Who We Be show last night but this collab with Juicy J hasn’t even made it onto the New Music Friday playlist this morning? An oversight, I feel… a dropped ball. Are we making Cardi happen here or nah? Anyway this is just filth, like… somewhere between Lil Kim and Cupcakke on the explicit level. It’s not a particularly clever track and I also think it could stand to go a little harder, but the hook is in my head and not going away so there’s that.
MS BANKS – ‘BANGS’ ☑️
Nicki Minaj rates Ms Banks. This is interesting because I don’t think Nicki has ever openly put a new female artist on (not to my recollection anyway), but it makes sense since ‘Bangs’ sounds like a Nicki track if Nicki was from South London. There’s none of the vocal puppetry Nicki gets up to, but those flows are very similar. I am extremely pro-Nicki propelling Ms Banks to the mainstream, though I suspect she’ll get there with or without assistance. ‘Bangs’ bangs.
PIA MIA – ‘OFF MY FEET’
Princess Pia Mia reigns supreme over the art of a basic bop but there’s something about her that always misses the mark with me. On paper, ‘Off My Feet’ should do for me as much as Madison Beer or Maggie Lindemann have with their respective Basic Bops, but this track is oddly detached in a way that I think an act like Little Mix could have landed, but Pia hasn’t. I don’t see it happening for her, honestly, she’s well into Waste Of Money territory at this point.
PRETTYMUCH – ‘NO MORE’ ft. FRENCH MONTANA
This is getting an X Factor performance over the weekend. An X Factor final performance, no less! For an act that has failed to move the needle either side of the Atlantic. Interesting. I feel like only one person is singing this song which isn’t great for a boyband. Also I just realised I don’t care enough to summon up anymore thoughts. Maybe it will go, maybe it won’t. How many of us are gonna see it happen if it does? If the revolution happens on a show that no one watches anymore, is it still televised?