Happy nuclear Friday everyone! Don’t you love living in a world where your future – already bleak and uncertain because you’re not a fucking millionaire and neither are your parents so you probably won’t ever own a house or afford to have kids unless you marry rich – is now also blighted by the threat of imminent war. More destabilising to international relations is the fact that Dannii Minogue – my personal fave Minogue – has already buggered up her new single release by failing to get it on Spotify before I started this review. I mean, for sobbing aloud Dannii, it’s 2017? If you haven’t got the wherewithal or the nouse to run a campaign in a new era for music… perhaps you shouldn’t be running one? Whatever, I’m just hungover and irritated that if I wanna hear this I’m gonna have to go looking. Spotify has already made me lazy, man. Hahaha, yeah you right. Lazier. Anyways, HERE is the listen along link. Let’s do this.
AVICII – ‘LONELY TOGETHER’ ft. RITA ORA ☑️
Listen… absolutely nothing makes me feel more vindicated than knowing that I have been a Ritabot from day fucking 1 and I never let the slander poison me against her and now, after the long wilderness years where she was literally not allowed to release music and kept her star lit anyway, I will have my reward. Like, it’s absolutely time to accept the fact that she’s almost certainly delivering the best pop album of the year in 2018. As for this song – Rita’s vocal is almost unrecognisable on this Avicii cut, but then again she doesn’t have a super distinctive tone, so it’s not quite as anonymising as when producers do this to other artists (like say, Snakehips and Anne-Marie). Essentially we’ve heard this song before, but I appreciate that it isn’t tropical in the slightest, and since the trend for sad bangers about hooking up with emotionally detached fuckboys that you shouldn’t hook up with doesn’t seem to be letting up, I appreciate that this is on the better end of the scale. I also despise how relatable these songs are, but that’s a story for another day.
ELLA EYRE – ‘EGO’ ft. TY DOLLA $IGN
Someone somewhere has got a lot of faith in Ella Eyre still, but I’m sad to say I no longer share it. The fifth song on the NMF playlist, so it’s like… they want this song to be heard and I just don’t understand why? No shade, but this is exactly what I’d be expecting from a Cheryl comeback, y’know? Or The Saturdays, if they didn’t already have a song with this title. It’s just cheap and pretending to be silver. I can feel it turning my ears green through the headphones. Ty Dolla $ign’s verse makes no sense within the context of the lyrics, the beat sounds like it was produced in the stale, echoey air of an office boardroom and I’m tired, everyone. So tired of watching talent go to waste.
FIFTH HARMONY – ‘ANGEL’
So, obviously my public face is that I am a Fifth Harmony stan now, because the evil must be defeated, but we’re friends here, right? I feel comfortable in sitting you all down and asking what in the fucking fuck is going on here? I feel super Big Red in Bring It On (“platter? nationals?”) when it comes to these girls, because the opportunity was there and they’re squandering it… and for what? Skrillex and Poo Bear bashed out bare hits for Justin Bieber and this tuneless garbage is what they’re offering up for these chicks? I can only hope these singles and instant grats are because they don’t wanna waste the good songs before the album. Looking at that artwork though… I mean, clearly the budget has been about 50p, so maybe this was all the Skrillex they could afford?
JESSIE J – ‘REAL DEAL’
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Oh man, this song is a fucking turd. Jessie J deserves a proper “where the fuck did it go wrong?” one day. But not today. I’m reclaiming my time after listening to this bollocks.
MARSHMELLO – ‘SILENCE’ ft. KHALID ☑️
Khalid is happening in a big fucking way right now, and I don’t know how many times I have to beg you not to sleep on him, but again I urge you – the American Teen album is perfection from beginning to end, and you need to get into it. This dance track is a new shade to the Khalid palette, having operated in an almost entirely R&B space so far, but his rich, contemplative vocal sits nicely on the verses, and while the instrumental begins to grate when it picks up where a chorus should rightfully be, this is a decent sidenote in his career.
P!NK – ‘WHAT ABOUT US’
Ya gurl P!nk has been releasing the same song for a lot of her career and you know what? If it ain’t broke don’t fix it! When she gets that one song right, she gets it really right, and there are a lot of P!nk songs I enjoy. This though… this is, it’s just supremely boring. And when I think of ‘Praying’ by Kesha, which was in that same ballady vein, but absolutely electrifying, this track pales even further in comparison. It sounds like ‘Unconditionally’ by Katy Perry played on steel drums with some toothless, broad statements about The State Of The World playing over the top. From the woman who gave us ‘Dear Mr. President’, it’s a weak offering.
STEFFLON DON – ‘HURTIN’ ME’ ft. FRENCH MONTANA ☑️
Stefflon is probably the UK’s most exciting new talent and this feels like a statement of intent. Her rapid fire, Nicki-esque rapping has been pulled back into something far more instantly understandable and the beat is thoroughly pop, but without compromising her cred. French Montana is entirely unnecessary to proceedings, which is how you know for sure this is a “major label trying to get a female artist across the line in a serious way” track, and you know what, all in all? Not a bad first mainstream splash to make. Am I overly thrilled that she’s been sanitised somewhat? No – but I understand how the game gets played. I’ll wait it out, trust me. Oh, and I love the bald-faced honesty on the chorus, by the way. Props for not fronting on that feeling.
WILL SPARKS – ‘YOUNG AND FREE’ ft. PRIYANKA CHOPRA
Tell you what, I had absolutely no idea Priyanka Chopra did music – this isn’t even her first track! I mostly listened out of curiosity, and it’s very… well I won’t listen to it again, but I didn’t recoil in horror when I was playing it just now. The melody reminds me of something Kylie Minogue might put out actually, but maybe that’s just because the vocals are quite sweet and breathy. I hate all the noise in the beat though, feels like someone’s twanging a rubber band next to my ear.