I have come to discover that my mood is a lot better when I’m outside of London which leads to me enjoying new music a lot more. Sadly, this Friday I am browsing the releases with the incessant fucking noise of the downstairs neighbour’s extension being built and wishing I was fucking dead. Anyways! It’s collaboration central this week with everyone featuring everyone and is anyone else bored of features? Features that make no sense other than trying to crowbar in extra spins and streams? #StopPointlessCollaborations2017
CASHMERE CAT – ‘LOVE INCREDIBLE’ ft. CAMILA CABELLO
Camila Cabello is a racist who laughed when her friend called her black bandmate a “nigger” and stayed silent when her fanbase sent pictures to her black bandmate with her face photoshopped onto victims of lynchings and she should never be allowed to prosper. (The song is also gash. Seriously, what a horrible, grating vocal.)
DJ KHALED – ‘SHINING’ ft. BEYONCÉ & JAY Z ☑️
This song apparently came together in a night, with Khaled, Beyoncé and Jay Z just rolling back to the Knowles-Carter home studio after the Roc Nation pre-Grammys brunch and smashing it out ready for release the next day. When will Adele? (Petty, petty, petty, I’ve been winning steady!) I’m not really feeling Hov on this – I don’t like it when his syllables aren’t crisp – but Beyoncé’s elastic hook is such a groove that I’m into this song on the whole.
GALANTIS – ‘RICH BOY’ ☑️
Another light, frothy, pitch-shifted tune from the Swedish production duo. Every single track these guys put out is a capsule of pure sunshine joy. I almost feel completely elevated from my woes.
KYGO – ‘IT AIN’T ME’ ft. SELENA GOMEZ ☑️
Why this song start out sounding like an animated advert for a bank? Seriously, can’t you see a weird little cartoon man driving his little cartoon car over a hill as the sun rises over his twee little cartoon village and then the logo for Barclays or something fades over the top talking about APR and interest and other stuff I don’t understand even though I’m a grown adult. I really like the chorus on this track, but I’m not sure when and where I would ever listen to it. You can’t really dance to it. It does too much switching up to be background music. The tempo isn’t enough to work out to if you were so inclined. So what would I do with it? If you have figured out what occasion this song calls for, please let me know.
LINKIN PARK – ‘HEAVY’ ft. KIIARA
One day I might spunk some thoughts on the titans of mid-00s pop-punk/pop-rock shifting into pure pop in the 2010s, but until then let’s observe the rap-metal heavyweights of yesteryear Linkin Park somehow doing The Chainsmokers better than The Chainsmokers ever could – possibly because they have been assisted by pop-writing greats Julia Michaels and Justin Tranter. By virtue of the Michaels/Tranter partnership, ‘Heavy’ follows that kind of linear, meandering blueprint I’m really sick and tired of, but this is a bop, it can’t be denied. Provided Ed Sheeran doesn’t end up being #1 all fucking year, this will be a smash.
MAROON 5 – ‘COLD’ ft. FUTURE
OMG, are like Maroon 5, like, okay, like? I know it’s not even a little bit cool, but I have loved Maroon 5 forever and I’m not sorry, but between this and the Kendrick Lamar collaboration from a few months ago I’m starting to think people maybe have a point about them. ‘Cold’ is a really dull and miserable song with none of the fun, funk influence usually characteristic of a Maroon 5 record. It’s dragged my mood down, and I was already feeling pretty grumpy.
MARY J. BLIGE – ‘U + ME (LOVE LESSON)’
Mary gets heavily into her ongoing divorce on this R&B/soul mid-tempo. This doesn’t feel as forward-facing as the work she put in on 2014’s The London Sessions but it’s still worth a spin if only to remind you of the magic of her vocal. Such richness.
NAV – ‘SOME WAY’ ft. THE WEEKND ☑️
Pure, saturated filth from The Weeknd and his new signing Nav which is doubly delicious since it’s definitely a Justin Bieber subtweet. “The brown boy and Starboy on a track, haters gonna say this shit is wack…” Ordinarily I’d play this once and move on, but I’m enjoying the context. What can I say, I’m a petty heaux.
VANESSA WHITE – ‘GOOD GOOD’
Fair to say that it’s not happening for any of The Saturdays on their own, but Vanessa at least isn’t embarrassing herself. ‘Good Good’ is the latest from her collection of Soundcloud R&B singles and you know, it’s fine. Just fine. I want to get behind Vanessa because I do think she has an exceptional voice, but she needs to come up with the goods (goods) and these songs just aren’t cutting it hard enough.