9 Ways To Tame A Rebel Heart

An hour ago I tweeted Madonna’s manager, Guy Oseary, and told him I had 9 different ways to sustain a Rebel Heart themed social media campaign without being a complete cunt or “regramming” abysmal Miley Cyrus fan art. That was technically a lie at the time, but luckily I’m a fucking whizz kid and an hour later, here I am putting my money where my mouth is. 9 ways to stop Madonna from scribbling black lines on the faces of civil rights legends and making herself look like an out of touch twit.

1. CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT
Bonnie McKee managed to rally up a posse for this kind of endorsement for her ‘American Girl’ video, so surely Madonna has enough sway that she could get a full army of A-C list talents to recreate the Rebel Heart artwork. Imagine Justin Timberlake, Pharrell, Britney, Nicki, Kanye, Diplo, Katy Perry and so on and so on until you get down to the real dregs like Perez Hilton desperate for some of that reflected Madonna glory, all releasing their own Rebel Heart homage portraits to instagram at the exact same time, causing a social media blockade. Decent social media breaks from platform to press (in a good way) and this is the kind of thing that would create headlines.

2. MAKE YOUR OWN REBEL HE-ARTWORK APP
I mean, literally enough of the snapchat edits and drunken losers wrapping the flex from their computer mouse around their head (ahem). Create an app that adds the effect to your face automatically, add a share to instagram/twitter/facebook button and be done with it. Taylor Swift just did this really well with her album artwork, I still see those polaroids everywhere. Simple but very effective.

3. #rebelheART
A street art inspired campaign using posters of famous works of art in major cities, branded with the Rebel Heart release date. Think Mona Lisa, Warhol’s Marilyn, Girl With A Pearl Earring, Whistler’s Mother, Van Gogh and Frida Kahlo’s self-portraits, all with the now ubiquitous black wires wrapped around their faces. Fans can take selfies with the posters and tag them on instagram using #rebelheART. Madonna reposts her favourites.

4. REBEL HEART LISTENING PARTIES
Madonna shows up to assorted places (shopping centres, sports stadiums, Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett concerts) hijacks the sound system and plays new material. Hot male dancers sporting the Rebel Heart “headgear” (shall we call it that?) infiltrate the crowd modelling very tight t-shirts with “rebellious” lyrics and slogans on them. Think Little J in Gossip Girl’s renegade fashion show, but with more Madonna. Hyperlapse videos of the action find their way onto social media.

5. BUZZFEED TAKEOVER
Partner with Buzzfeed for a day, re-do the logo (with the wires on it!), bung up loads of Madonna/Rebel Heart themed content including a “how rebellious is your heart?” quiz, livechat, Madonna gif collection and premiere an exclusive clip of brand new music. Done.

6. REBEL HEART X ANONYMOUS
Partner with Anonymous for a day, dox the Lady Gaga website and various other “anti-Madonna, anti-Living For Love” websites. No seriously, this could be done well, a separate @theRebelHeart twitter and instagram account highlighting social injustices and large scale corruption and raising awareness of how to help. Like wikileaks, but not as good. Profile pic would be the Che Madonna American Life artwork… wearing the Rebel Heart headgear.

7. REBEL HEART MEGAMIXTAPE
Well-known and underground artists and producers create hour long “gapless” mixtapes that drop every week from now until March. The only stipulation is that the mixtapes must use only Madonna music and feature completely reworked versions of the 6 brand new Rebel Heart tracks. Fans vote for the best megamixtape which is included as a bonus disc on the special editions of the albums.

8. LOLA IS THE REBEL HEART
In a Zorro style handover, Madonna gives the headgear to Lourdes who takes up the Rebel Heart mantle and posts all the messy, ugly imagery to her own instagram, leaving Madonna’s platforms clean, smart and inspiring, as we have come to expect from Madonna. At the end of the album campaign, Lourdes is grounded.

9. MADONNA DELETES INSTAGRAM FOR GOOD
Literally NO ONE would be mad.

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