#PERRYBOWL 2015 WILL BE AMAZING IF ALL THESE THINGS HAPPEN

The anti-Katy Perry sentiment is strong right now. Or maybe people have always harboured this much ill feeling towards her and I haven’t noticed it. The reaction to the official announcement of #PERRYBOWL 2015 was much like the reaction to Adam Levine being named People’s Sexiest Man Alive – incredulous and negative. But y’all were wrong about Adam Levine not being sexy and y’all are wrong about Katy Perry too. She is an A+ popstar. She consistently delivers costumes, choreography, good face, soundbites, set pieces, backstage drama, salcious gossip and, most importantly, solid gold pop songs. As for the debate about her live vocals, she can sing, and given the number of ropey performances golden girl Taylor Swift continues to put in, it’s about time everyone in their glass houses put down their fucking stones, took a chill pill and listened to the flawless masterpiece that is Teenage Dream. The Superbowl halftime show is always mimed anyway.

The point is, #PERRYBOWL has scope to be perhaps not iconic, but certainly one of the most memorable, entertaining and dazzling pop events of next year. Here’s some things I expect, demand and hope for.

ENTRANCE

It has to be something so big and so undeniably game-changing that we will talk about it forever. Or if not game-changing, at least derivative of something already ubiquitous to pop culture. I’m basing this on my proposed setlist, so hold with me when I say ELEPHANTS. Katy Perry has rode an elephant before, so she’ll probably be totally game. She rides in, on an elephant, accompanied by a menagerie of other dangerous wild animals. Wearing a snake around her neck as an homage to Britney Spears. It would basically look like the parade from Aladdin when “Prince Ali” rolls into town. Maybe she’s dressed as Princess Jasmine too so everyone can tick off cultural appropriation on their #PERRYBOWL bingo cards and take a shot.

katy perry elephant

STAGING

I think it’s fair to say Katy Perry has never shied away from technology when it comes to fashion and performance. From her LED MET Ball dress, to her iTunes Festival digital skirt right up to her luminous braids on The Prismatic World Tour, you’ve got a girl who isn’t shy to plug it in. I have no doubt there will be some kind of enhanced element to her costumes, but when it comes to staging, a toaster and a balloon swing isn’t going to cut it. I want that stage to redefine what staging means. I want it to light up, move, set on fire, ascend and descend on a musical cue, detach and fly around the arena using battery power from a sustainable energy source and fold up at the end of the night into a bag that I could take on a plane as carry on luggage. I want it to be the most technologically advanced stage in history. Also there should be a shark tank in the middle. Hit up Britney again, KP, she’ll hook you up.

britney sharks

THEME

I think the one thing The Prismatic World Tour lacked in comparison to the California Dreams Tour and even the Hello Katy Tour was the lack of a seamless narrative. With the Hello Katy Tour it was all very much “hi, I’m Katy – this is my house, these are my stories” and the California Dreams Tour had a great plot that tied the show together. With PWT, it was just “here’s all the shit Miley Cyrus thinks is cool right now, but it’s sugarfree and I took the swears out so your mothers won’t hate me”. For the Superbowl I want to see a cohesive theme holding everything together. Even if it’s just a basic motif, there needs to be something linking it all together. The #PERRYBOWL needs to look and sound like a megamix. Also, for all that I love this promo… please shy away from your tried and tested signifiers, KP. Please, no cats.

COSTUMES

Ridiculous, overblown, interactive, outrageous, fine, fresh and fierce as a given. Honestly, I don’t have any real worries or doubts about the costumes, and neither do I think I could possibly come up with something better than what Johnny Wujek will end up creating. The costumes will be amazing, that’s a guarantee.

katy perry peacock

SETLIST

I can’t believe I’m saying this but… she should probably open with ‘Roar’. I know. I know. I was so vehemently against it being the opener on The Prismatic World Tour that I’m still angry about it now. But… it fits with my “Princess KP, Fabulous She” entrance. So I’m prepared to let it go just this once. Here’s some other songs she should sing.

‘Roar’
‘Hot N Cold’ / ‘I Kissed A Girl’ / ‘Waking Up In Vegas’ medley
‘Teenage Dream’
‘California Gurls’
‘Part Of Me’
‘E.T.’ ft. Kanye West
‘Walking On Air’
‘Firework’

She only has about 14 minutes so some of these will have to be abbreviated, but look at that arrangement of top notch pop music and narry a ballad in site. I’m buzzing already.

“CONTROVERSY”

As much as it saddens me that this would be seen as controversial, you can’t get the girl who launched her career with the song ‘I Kissed A Girl’ to take on the biggest Middle America stage it is possible to play on, and not have her kiss a girl. In fact, she should have approximately 500 girl-on-girl and boy-on-boy kissers on stage while she sings the verse and chorus and when it gets to the important point she should basically recreate yet another iconic Britney moment by making out with Madonna (because it’s traditional) and then Kesha (because Kesha was in the ‘I Kissed A Girl’ video and I think it would be nice for her to show some solidarity over this whole Dr. Luke thing). She should then flash one of her tits and flip the middle finger as Janet Jackson and M.I.A.’s faces beam out on massive screens behind her, like victors of The Hunger Games. Girl power.

COLLABORATORS

Kanye West on ‘E.T.’, obviously. Other than that, one of the things I’ve always liked about Katy Perry is how she took her friends along with her for the ride. So Skeet & Markus should probably turn up somewhere. Ferras and Kacey Musgraves could join her band for the night. I’d quite like her Grandma to be involved too, because that would be 100% amazing. Madonna and Kesha as mentioned. Oh, and Rihanna and Nicki. Just ’cause this.

katy rihanna kesha nicki

EXIT

I’m not saying jetpacks but… yes, I am. I’m saying jetpacks. ‘Firework’, fireworks and jetpacks. Sensational.

#PERRYBOWL 2015 THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS

katy perry gif

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