5 at 5 // 11 September 2014

Mostly new stuff. I’ve got a headache so maybe I’m judging a little more harshly than usual, so apologies for that. Not the Nick Gardner track though. That genuinely is a heap of shite.

THE VERONICAS – ‘YOU RUIN ME’

The Veronicas have been dicking about for seven years since their fucking incredible Hook Me Up album, so you’d think that after all the time they’d have come back with something mind-blowing. Not so much, really. With a title like ‘You Ruin Me’ I was hoping for the raw energy of ‘This Is How It Feels’ but instead this piano ballad continues along at the same, slow pace for 4 long minutes, with no rise and no fall and no real points of interest. I expect this from P!nk album tracks, not as a lead single from The Veronicas. ★★★☆☆

NICK GARDNER – ‘LOSE YOU’

Thought I’d check this out ahead of Maroon 5 tonight (Nick Gardner is one of the support acts) and I wish I hadn’t. It’s a load of tripe. Stop giving white boys from YouTube (the digital age’s answer to the Pub Singer) record deals, they’re clogging up the internet with their mediocrity. I’ll be in the bar for this. ★★☆☆☆

THE VAMPS – ‘OH CECILIA (BREAKING MY HEART)’ ft. SHAWN MENDES

I have loved this track from The Vamps since the first time I saw them live, but the addition of Shawn Mendes (who the band have just toured the US with) is disappointing as it sounds much better with just Brad on vocals. If you liked the original track ‘Cecilia’ (or the Suggs version from my own youth) there’s no way you won’t toe tap to this song as they’ve borrowed the whole chorus. A great modern update of a classic, fun song. ★★★☆☆

TIAAN – ‘OH MY’

TIAAN is yet to put a step wrong with her single releases, and ‘Oh My’ is no exception. The production is loose and relaxed, letting TIAAN float on the top with a fresh, rolling melody before bursting slightly for the outro. I previously described TIAAN’s live set as “music to fuck to” and though ‘Oh My’ doesn’t have that same darkly sexy vibe, it’s still an excellent pop song. ★★★★☆

BIANCA – ‘STEP IT UP’

If you are the type of person to get sudden insatiable cravings for 80s pop music and you’ve looked everywhere but The Immaculate Collection is nowhere to be found and your Whitney Houston Greatest Hits has a scratch in the disc, you’d probably look up some Betty Who on YouTube because she’s the next best thing. But get this – Net Neutrality is not a thing anymore, it takes 2 days to buffer one song on YouTube, and now you’re getting kind of desperate. That is the moment when you’d break into your emergency 80s ration pack and listen to this song by ex-dreadful-girl-band-Parade member Bianca (the one with the great voice). ‘Step It Up’ is like a dehydrated, long-life pop track. It satisfies the urge, but all the essential nutrients are gone. ★★★☆☆

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