5 at 5 // 27 August 2014

Collaboration central as I rip that festering Riff Raff bandage off in one fell swoop.

KATY PERRY – ‘THIS IS HOW WE DO’ ft. RIFF RAFF

Of all the terrible shit happening in my life right now, this is truly a coiled turd on top of a diarrhoea cake filled with poo. Just take my fave track from Prism that isn’t ‘Roar‘ and let a “rapper” loose on it… I mean, I thought it was bad when Iggy Azalea was rumoured to be all up on this. At least Iggy has excellent ghost writers. I can’t begin to explain how embarrassing this is. Katy would have done a better job herself. What a dreadful way to strangle a lukewarm era to death. ★★☆☆☆

NICKI MINAJ – ‘ANACONDA’ LA LEAKERS REMIX ft. RIFF RAFF

See above. Most offensively is that instead of limiting to 16 bars or whatever on the middle 8, this prick has actually substituted himself for Nicki’s verses. What is worse – one of this generations most talented rappers entertaining this bullshit that is frankly offensive to the genre or one of this generation’s biggest popstars dressing it up in an iconic outfit and parading it round an award show as promo. All my faves are T E S T I N G me. ★☆☆☆☆

JENNIFER LOPEZ – ‘BOOTY’ ft. IGGY AZALEA

And the disappointment train rattles in to its final destination. ‘Booty’ is not the best song on A.K.A. but it has “in da clurb” appeal for sure and it does make me wanna shake it so I don’t object to it being a single. Why would you put Iggy on it though? I mean, not that Jennifer Lopez is notorious for fucking with the real rap elite (Ja Rule fell off… Pitbull is better than you think but has zero credibility… Diddy is rich as fuck, but can’t actually rap for shit…) so okay, fine maybe I shouldn’t expect better. In fact, given her past collabos, Iggy is in exactly the lane J.Lo plays in. This isn’t too bad, anyway. Or maybe everything sounds better if you listen to it after Riff Raff. ★★★☆☆

COBRA STARSHIP – ‘NEVER BEEN IN LOVE’ ft. ICONA POP

This is kinda nice for a collaboration between two of the noisiest acts in pop, and definitely not the boisterous scene kid anthem I was expecting. It sounds like the soundbed from an advert, is the best way I can think to describe it – the casually funky guitar, choral singing and the punctuating drums that don’t really build or roll. There’s even handclaps! It’s so inoffensively okay, but I think it’s going to grow on me. ★★★☆☆

USHER – ‘SHE CAME TO GIVE IT TO YOU’ ft. NICKI MINAJ

The lukewarm performance of this at the VMAs has turned me off a song which in theory should be pretty amazing given that it’s basically a cross between ‘Express Yourself‘ and ‘Just Be Good To Me‘. This is middle drawer Pharrell – not his best stuff, but not the shit he palms off on people he knows won’t make hits. Like everything in life, Nicki is the best part of the song. “Don’t be like OJ and forget your glove, I’m tryna get faded nigga, go get the drugs…” and “tell your man put it back like a spine, he only last six seconds like a vine…” are the best punchlines in this verse. Ugh, she’s everything. For Nicki reasons only this song gets four stars. ★★★★☆

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