Look, I have been “Having A Time Of It” lately.
“Lately” being, since the last time I restarted my blog. Again. For the fourth time.
Did you know it’s quite hard to work a full day in an office and then have the mental energy left over to do creative writing type things? It’s quite hard. Very different to my previous blogging exploits which were undertaken in time-rich periods during the Dark Days when I was living back at “home” in Coventry with the threat of being kicked out on any given day hovering over my head like the cloud of depression I was pretending wasn’t really there.
(I am still pretending the depression isn’t there, guys. I took ONE thing away from sneak reads of Cosmopolitan magazine as a pre-teen and that is that “fake it ’til you make it” is a universal life rule that can be applied to literally everything, not just orgasms.)
After a long period of very scattered updates, I started again, but I was living in London again and no longer working freelance and my social life was renewed and all that mind clutter blocks me from writing well. Due to the fact that I was in a headspace where I couldn’t write I thought I would vlog ie. put everything I would have written about on camera instead of try to make sentences on a page, but as it turns out that’s even harder than writing because I have to think about what my hair is doing and if I can get away without wearing make up and also I can’t edit worth a damn.
So that went off the boil too. (Also, I know you’re probably bored now but I am framing the situation so I can get to the point.)
Anyway, I have recently found myself in this weird space of my brain I have literally never occupied before. I know for some people these feelings I am about to describe are not at all uncommon, and yes on dramatically low days I sometimes dredge up a kind of smug, pseudo-self-loathing, where I hate myself (but not really) for trivial things that don’t matter like the way I played ‘Sparks Fly’ by Taylor Swift approximately 20x in a row…but this is different. For the past three months I have had approximately zero self-esteem and it sucks and I hate it and I don’t have any idea what value I have in the world anymore and dealing with this on a daily basis is The Worst and I don’t know how people who have this all the time can do it.
Fortunately, this situation is reactionary and I know exactly why it is happening and exactly how to fix it, so it didn’t come out of nowhere. Unfortunately, because ~low-self-esteem, I need to work myself up to at least 50% feeling like I am a Person Of Worth before I can sort out the problem satisfactorily.
Randomly today I read a little bit of the stuff I wrote in that brief revival period last year and for the first time in fucking forever, I was like “wow, I am actually good at a thing? I thought I was good at literally no things ever! I miss doing things I am good at…” And like, this teeny tiny little bit of my previously robust and unshakeable self-esteem crept back. Like magic.
So yeah, before I bottled it (because the last 3 months have been filled with me getting what I think are good ideas and then talking myself out of them because I am a Worthless Piece Of Shit), I’m blogging again. The url is different because having a different handle to the one I use everywhere else is stupid and maybe I will talk about stuff that isn’t music now and again, but I feel quite excited to write words and maybe I will vlog again at some point because even though none of you fuckers watched them, I quite enjoyed that too.
Thank you for reading this self-obsessed, self-indulgent, and at its core, self-hating drivel. Pop music tomorrow.